Moving from dysphoria to euphoria

As I lay down to sleep, my bedroom is full of the ghosts of the past. There’s enough of them...

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 15:25:29 -0400

As I lay down to sleep, my bedroom is full of the ghosts of the past. There’s enough of them that I’m pretty sure there’s a line at the door for the lesser demons.

No wonder I can’t sleep until almost sun-up.

Just had my first flashback dream, being laid into by my ex and his friend. I didn’t think...

Mon, 26 Sep 2011 10:22:32 -0400

Just had my first flashback dream, being laid into by my ex and his friend. I didn’t think it’d happen here. But, legally, he did get dangerously close to sexually abusing me. I thought it was over. It’s only just begun.

"Are You Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationships"

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 07:53:50 -0400

"Are You Dating a Loser? Identifying Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationships"

This relationship is abusive in so many different ways. I’m dating a psychotic narcissist, so...

Sat, 24 Sep 2011 04:53:03 -0400

This relationship is abusive in so many different ways. I’m dating a psychotic narcissist, so what can I expect? Things will only get worse, but what can I do? I’ve been denied access to public housing, the market has squeezed me out, and no one wants to date an unemployed butch trans woman who lives with her parents. So I push on. Chances are I’ll get abused wherever I go. Sometimes this is the better choice of abusers. Recently, it has been so badly not worth it I would sleep in a park if I didn’t think the bastard would call my parents and track me.

Even in my last long-term relationship, which included physical and sexual abuse, I didn’t get in trouble every single day for what I didn’t do and for what I do that the other person does worse. If I wanted to be cheated on, I could have stayed with her. At least she wasn’t moulding my personality into whatever suited her…

This blog was supposed to be about gender expression and sexuality, about the seemingly uncommon intersection of butch and transitioning. Instead, I’ve copped so much abuse, so many negative comparisons to other women (with a usually only implied “see how she’s better than you”) that all I can think about is this daily bullshit and the constant reframing of the decision as to where I get triggered into flashbacks (his place, NY parents’ place, or the street).

This isn’t living. It’s dying.

Resolutions: I will not help anyone who would not do the same for me I will not help anyone who will...

Fri, 23 Sep 2011 08:39:00 -0400

Resolutions:

I will not help anyone who would not do the same for me
I will not help anyone who will not help themselves*
I will not have the back of anyone who does not have mine
I will train my body and mind to handle any threat

The world is a horrible dark place. I will be ready for it.

In other words: they’ve all finally won. My partner included. I will be the dark I see out there.

(* = exception for those who cannot help themselves)

(addition: I’ve heard this effect in reference to (other?) butch identified women)

FAAB, MAAB, CAMAB, FAMAB and Intersex Erasure

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 12:39:28 -0400

intersexunicorn:

It’s been a terrible erasure of intersex identities with these labels.

First, ‘assigned.’
This is (*was*) a word for intersex children. A child was born ambiguous and was assigned a sex with scalpels and sutures. ‘Assigned’ is a verb, meaning something physical happened. Someone did something physical to you.

Second, ‘coercively assigned.’
So at birth you popped out of the womb and had a lengthy discussion about your gender that your doctor wouldn’t listen to? Your birth doctor was coersive in convincing you at birth that you weren’t what you are?

The problem is that intersex people have been trying repeatedly to drop the term Intersex Genital Mutiliation (IGM) and just go with the gentler term ‘assigned.’ But with trans people taking this away from us, now we have to go back to it.

We’re trying to be subtle and just blend in to society but if trans people keep trying to take our traumatic experiences as a fun label, then we just keep finding ourselves buried deeper and deeper as ashamed people who should never be spoken about.

What was done to me should be something that no human should never be subjected to, and is why I lobby that it should never happen to any person ever again. I will never get over what is in my head.

For someone to just come along and say, “O I AM CAMAB 2 LOL” just hurts beyond belief. It actually did hurt beyond belief and I cried at every exam and every hormone injection and every blood test.

Wanna try a different label?

Really, a “fun label”? I don’t use MAAB for shits and giggles. There are no other terms for me. MTF sounds ridiculous to me when applied to me (the focus put on the former mixed the lack of identity with either as past/present). “Male bodied” will get someone a polite talking to or yelled at, depending on how they use it. Trans woman, well, I find that dismissive of my identity - I don’t see myself as trans, and I don’t always feel comfortable with the term “woman”. Actually, every other term except MAAB is triggering for me. I agree on CAMAB/CAFAB - I cringe when I hear it for trans people, and don’t use it for myself. It just sounds like an artificial emphasis on an aspect that didn’t occur. And I do get pissed when I hear people throw around terms that are directly and solely connected to being intersex when they themselves aren’t. I’m not up for appropriation. But, if you consider MAAB appropriation, when that’s the only damn term I can use in a world that demands to know what’s going on in my medical life and personal history, I can’t help but feel I’m being erased. There are people like me out there, physically transitioning, often not really identifying as the sex we are said to be transitioning to, and not feeling it a legitimate claim to use “either” sex term (when through, I’ll be a mix of characteristics by the nature of transition). I could title a post article “x erasure”, but, given this line of thinking, I’d have nothing I could put before “erasure”.

Also, the definition of assigned = verb = physically done is broken. I’d like to know how this conclusion was reached.

Found out recently a cis woman who waived around the idea of knowing trans women doesn’t...

Tue, 20 Sep 2011 12:16:56 -0400

Found out recently a cis woman who waived around the idea of knowing trans women doesn’t qualify as an ally (for those who use the term - I’m undecided on it), despite speaking as if otherwise. When you get attacked by bigotry, publicly at that, your friends and allies are the ones who jump to your defence. This woman, well, doesn’t seem to bother her that it happened. Me (to make a comparison to areas of privilege I have), if a friend (or almost any person, actually) was getting grief for not being white, for being a gay man, for being a sex worker, I’d dive in (if appropriate to the person being targeted). If the target of that grief wasn’t satisfied with conclusion, I’d sever any ties I had with the bigot. Way I see it, if I didn’t, I’d be a bad friend and bad ally. This cis woman and the cis woman bigot, still friends.

Well, I’d sever ties with the bigot’s friend, but, well, she’s my partner’s play partner. I’m still waiting to see whether my partner and I can talk things out, or if I have to choose this woman will be a huge fixture, in the way of us. As it stands, when she comes over, I have to wait until she leaves of her own accord. Right now, I’m sitting in the spare room because I don’t want to sit on the bed during a whole heap of squirming, groaning, and this thorn in my side touching and talking to my partner.

Another bad choice on my part. The second time, for the sake of trying to keep a good relationship going, I’ve agreed to some open situation which has been used as a carte blanche agreement with no further need for communication. I’m still wondering whether this relationship is salvagable. Because I’m not hiding out any more while my partner and a woman I currently dislike (and who resents me for my romantic and sexual relationship with him) have seemingly limitless time together. A little bit, fine, I agreed to that. But hell, he’s not physically or romantically attracted to her, and there’s quite literally nothing she does for him that I can’t.

Relationship chaos post with mentions of abuse. Just thought I’d warn you, if you need to skip...

Sat, 17 Sep 2011 19:52:40 -0400

Relationship chaos post with mentions of abuse. Just thought I’d warn you, if you need to skip it or just don’t want to hear anything negative right now.

And… now I’m forced into a butch role. It’s a survival thing. My danger level has been raised by his (“he” is his preferred pronoun) inaction. Then, on top of that, he proves he doesn’t have my back. Kind of think that’s an integral part of any relationship, whether romantic, familial, or amongst friends. Now he’s reached five out of seven (there’s eight, but we don’t have kids together) on the power/control wheel (http://www.ncdsv.org/images/PowerControlwheelNOSHADING.pdf). This puts him second, behind my first partner who had six out of six (she and I didn’t have kids either, and, while there’s male privilege, there’s no allowance for other forms, such as cis privilege). Whenever I talk past abuse from others, he downplays it or barely references it before getting back to what he wanted to say. Even if the whole point of that conversation was that I was getting flashbacks.

So… I’m on guard. I have the weights out again and I’m hitting them hard. No time like the present? Well, there may be no time other than the present. The consequences of the last twelve hours mean I have to be on the ready. Maybe it’s just kicked me past my needed survival attitude, something I forgot at some point. Now I’m reminded. I’ve got to be fighting fit. Because, statistically speaking (both in general and since I’m already a survivor), there is a high probability that one is coming. The last twelve hours have taught me it could come from anyone.

I used to fight to survive until I could transition. Now I fight to survive transition. Some people don’t get it, that at neither time was it because I’m trans. It’s from living in a world where that’s still an acceptable thing to hold over someone else, use against them, and abuse them for.

With my partner, what comes next, I don’t know. I’ll probably be kicked out soon. He has the assistance of the woman who’s working her way between us. From there, well, I don’t have trustworthy friends, just mutual ones and those who I’d have to reinforce the room door because of the people I can see them letting into the house. My parents committed and facilitated abuse of all kinds against me. So, hey, back to wondering what the shelters and the streets are like. I do get it, the streets aren’t easy, but Jesus, I can start hooking without fumbling too much and I’d prefer not to have the nearly twenty-four hour waking nightmare that I did staying with family.

I think my previous post just got spread to fake blogs with fake text…

Thu, 15 Sep 2011 05:30:52 -0400

I think my previous post just got spread to fake blogs with fake text…

I’m having trouble posting here as much and as clearly as I’d like. I’m in the...

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 21:14:10 -0400

I’m having trouble posting here as much and as clearly as I’d like. I’m in the process of coming to terms with the masculine aspects of myself. I keep snapping back into the feminine space that I’m used to trying to occupy. A pre-transition coping mechanism, I guess (present feminine to distance from the male-assignment). So now I’m maybe masculine feeling 60-70% of the time, and presenting that way 30-40% (already had one partner freak over gender expression, don’t want to go through that again).

It looks like this, too, will come out in fragments. Little steps ‘till I can cope with it. Right now, I find myself hoping I’m wrong about where things are headed. To me, this is a more accurate definition of gender dysphoria - it’s not about my body right now, it’s the societal constructs, external pressures, and expression of what is within. One day, I hope to find my euphoria.

Some thoughts on being butch - I do not wear makeup, even though my collection would suit my needs...

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 16:48:56 -0400

Some thoughts on being butch -

I do not wear makeup, even though my collection would suit my needs if I did

I have only worn a dress out of the house once, even though I own three

I started growing my hair long at eighteen, but cut it short after a year on hormones

My femininity comes out in attraction, when trying to pick up, and sometimes when feeling submissive and in the mood. Otherwise, I see myself as masculine-of-centre or soft butch (the whole “butch in the streets, femme in the sheets” only just made a connection today). However, I can be a harder butch, and when it comes out at the same time as my dominant side, I don’t even have a word for the resulting expression

I cannot relate to feminine trans women. I feel something completely different. Even in all the talk about gender variance, I still see nothing to grab onto. One trans woman came close

I seem to have moved back into a space where I’m read the wrong way. While I identify as pansexual, men are first priority for me (haven’t come across any openly non-binary people). Yet men look straight past me in everyday life. When I was the naive girly woman early on, they just about formed a queue. Now… Meanwhile, I’m getting a feeling the femmes are heading my way. Not into femmes, too triggering, and too much experience of a high-maintenance ex. Apparently the butch women I desire are on the same level as me. Is a little butch-on-butch too much to ask?

I spent eleven years thinking my masculinity was gender identity - I now see it as gender expression

More soon

intro post

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 03:19:00 -0400

Newly butch identifying - currently calling it “girly butch”. I have my “feminine” moments, but they may just be about breaking down the female socialisation (yes, male assigned at birth trans people go through that socialisation too).

MAAB (NOT “male bodied”) trans woman

Kinky (running the spectrum, but primarily a sadomasochist with D&S tendencies)

Polyamorous - starting my first foray into an ethical (as in, without deception and dishonesty) polyamorous relationship

Fluid pansexual - best I can tell, I have the capacity for attraction to any sex/gender combination. In practice, however, I don’t date cis women (I find it triggering)

There’s more, but this blog is going to be more focused, revolving around sex, gender, sexuality, relationships, and kink. So all the little things, for now, will fall by the wayside.

I’ve spent days looking for this. butchlab.com seems to have shut down, so I’ve been...

Sat, 10 Sep 2011 02:34:38 -0400

I’ve spent days looking for this. butchlab.com seems to have shut down, so I’ve been hunting for a cached version of their Tobi Hill-Meyer interview. Being a trans woman myself who has just exploring a butch identity, Tobi has been one of the few people I can find who’s identity I can relate to in that way.

So, here’s what I found. It’s not very long, but, at this stage, I have to take what I can get. http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:http://www.butchlab.com/tobi-hill-meyer-mini-interview/

If the link doesn’t work for you, let me know.